down

At moments like this a question always pops in my head:

"is this worth it?"

Leaving my country, my home, my family, my luxuries in life for the sake of education

without knowing what i actually desire in life, what i want to do with the years i have

shouldn't i relish what i have now and lave them enjoy them give my all to them

instead of abandoning them for such an interminable pursue as knowledge

facts figures theorems formulas charts essays vocabularies equations

those things, for my fellow denizens of this corrupted world,

as frightening revolting appaling sickening as it sounds

are in fact their ultimate purpose in their lives

now i am fighting against this tight knot

in my stomach, i am trying to hush

the constant whispers in my

head, arousing my mind

to imagine what i will

be like if i continue

living this way

will i be like

THEM??

p.s. God, please, give me the will and the strength to drive away the perpetual influence of those around me,

who in a way or another keep trying to convince me that the best way to live my life is to cram the contents of thousands of pages into my already curly brain. i dont want to be like them.

Somehow i've developed a liking to this song...

"So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breathe
And I need something more
To keep me breathing for
So give me something to believe

I am hiding from a beast, but the beast is always here
Watching without eyes, because the beast is just my fear
That I am just nothing, now it's just what I've become
What I am waiting for is already done"

That is SOOO true.

V-day

A sentence that flowed from between her lips instantly caught my attention yesterday afternoon:

"it's sad, isn't it?? we don't have anyone to spend Valentine's day with. look at all those couples..."

And i thought she wasn't into boys.

In fact, there's nothing sinful about conversing in glee with a couple of friends during V-day instead of those stomach-churning lovey-dovey couples who buy flowers for each other on the 14th of February and scream BASTARDS to each other the next day.

But, again, people have different mindsets, don't they?

If apparently my friend is not sated enough with friends forever, it's totally up to her to go around seeking for temporal bliss in the form of guys

(if those guys LIKE her, that is)

sweet

" Even when gravity is dead, i'll still fall for you"

Being romantic???
It's probably just Valentine's after-effect :)

Initial

At times I wonder how it feels like to be just a normal person,
who effortlessly blends in everywhere,
who is not under pressure to do her best all the time,
who does not have to wear a school uniform that is recognised by people all over the country,
who is not overly conscious of her image on people's eyes,
who is able to meet people's gazes firmly,
who does not constantly receive lectures about how she should behave so as to set an example for others,
who possesses just enough courage to try something out of ordinary,
who can be herself,
without a relentless little voice in her mind reminding her about what she lacks in

it must have felt like heaven